Cyber's Journal (✖╭╮✖)

5-31-2020

My roomate thought it would be a good idea to get taco bell for me at midnight and being the dumbass I am, I ate it. Well, it absoutely destroyed my stomach and had probably one of the worst nights I have had in a long time. Taco bell never agrees with me anyway lol. I told him to never fucking do that again and get Mcdonald's or Pizza Hut instead. So yeah, I barely have a stomach atm because of that. It feels absoutely great. I really like commenting on people's guestbooks but sometimes I feel like I am just awkward or I will say something that will embarass the hell out of me. I commented on one website letting them know that they are worth it and how the stuff they wrote reminded me of how I used to be when I was going through a really dark point in my life and that they deserve to take care of themselves. Seeing them thank me in their journal really meant a lot to me. I am far from perfect but I still want people to know that they matter and there is hope out there. I always try to see the good in people and there are times it has caused my downfall. My friend wanted me to listen to lil peep...yeah not really my thing sorry. I can get the appeal but again it's just not in my taste I guess...but I listen to shit like Death Grips so what would I know what is good music or not lol I have been thinking about getting a hamster a lot lately. I've been watching tons of videos about getting the right cages for them and all the materials I need, I want to make sure it will have a great home. I will most likely name it after one of the ham-hams from Hamtaro depending on how it looks and its gender. If I do get one sometime soon, I will definitely make a page for it hehe. 5-29-2020

Boy oh boy, work has been a doozy today. Trying to get back into the routine since it's been a while and going back to dealing with some..not pleasant so people. Most of them were either yelling or just being rude, one lady even calling me a "prissy bitch" because of something that was her fault to begin with. Ughh..anyway, at least I am getting the money and I like my coworkers a lot. We are even planning to go to a bar or something soon to "celebrate" going back to work and seeing each other again so that will be fun. I have been listening to a lot of trip-hop lately such as DJ Shadow, DJ Spooky, and Massive Attack. Some of the most relaxing music for sure, especially DJ Shadow's "Endtroducing....." album and Peace in Zaire by DJ Spooky. I will probably be listening to it a lot since I am working again lol and have to deal with some pretty rude people lol. God I am so tired, I need a lot of rest so I will probably not lucid dream tonight. I kinda wish I was a morning person..I just cannot function at all in the morning. My friends have told me to try coffee but I don't like coffee tbh so.. I think I am screwed since I always end up with a "caffiene crash" when I drink soda or energy drinks. No matter what I do, I always feel like death when I get up so early. I don't understand how some people can feel refreshed when they wake up, please tell me. 5-27-2020

So I just saw a video on youtube about a website on neocities that was concerning and the person that uploaded the video reported it to the fbi. I can see why she did and it also reminded me that a close friend of mine used to be exactly like how this person was. Obsessed with those two people, thinking that she was a "god" and just saying a lot of edgy stuff in general. She even admitted to me that she only became friends with me because I reminded her of one of them. It hurt me a lot to be compared to someone like that and for a long while I even cut off all contact with her. I eventually helped her get over that phase and she has been doing better, she really regrets being into that stuff and what she said about me. She is huge into Slayer and Metallica now which I much prefer over the other thing lol. We usually keep that stuff in the past as she has changed a lot but seeing that video just reminded me of having a friend that used to be a lot like the person that made the website. I am just glad to help someone that was going through something that awful. I really hope the person that made that website gets the help they deserve. I was also reminded of BOTDF not too long ago and I remembered how much I hate that band. I can listen to literally almost anything and when I check out an artist there will always be at least one song I love from them, but there was not one song I liked from BOTDF. Dahvie is a piece of shit and the accusations of him grooming underage fans have been going on for more than a decade at this point and he is somehow still a free man. I remember the whole Jessi Slaughter incident like it was yesterday. I always felt bad for her, she was just a kid at the time and the internet compltely failed her. BOTDF somehow got away with making fun of the whole incident and making a diss track on her. An almost 30 year old man making a diss track about an 11 year old girl at the time, yeah you showed her..God how did they get away with any of the shit they did back then? I am glad people are finally investigating Dahvie and hopefully justice will be brought. 5-24-2020

I really hate this disorder that I have sometimes. I was diagnosed with this certain disorder when I was around 4 years old and I had a lot of therapy for it growing up. It used to be a lot worse than it is now, but I still wish I never had it. I just don't know how to respond to people at times and I tend to miss social cues a lot. The main thing I hate about it that I still struggle with to this day is that I always struggle with emotions. I always sound monotone or "bored" and I don't smile when I am happy most of the time so people think I am rude or just an asshole. My mind also loves to only focus on certain things and I will forget about all of the other stuff I like. I remember when I was younger that I would only talk about Kirby for hours and my friend kept asking me why I was only talking about that and nothing else. It is so fucking annoying and I wish I never had this disorder. I am surprised I even got this far with it like having a job and having a close group of friends, one of them even said that they don't think I had it because I act "too normal". Nah, I just had to get tons of therapy growing up. I repeat a lot of stuff too if you couldn't tell mostly the way I talk or in this case..type. This is probably annoying to some people and I truly apologize if it is. I just can't help it..I know this has caused me to lose friendships in the past and I can only blame myself. I know what I am going to say may be a bit controversial but I believe that the media treats the lgbt like a circus show. They use the lgbt for profit and it honestly pisses me off. An example would be that one disney movie that came out not too long ago and the media only focused on one of the characters being a lesbian. I mean, it's cool and all to have an lgbt character in a movie but I just wish we were treated as normal people. I know I have mentioned my sexuality and talked about it but it's because I have had a lot of trouble with it growing up and it has impacted a lot of my life. I live in a very conservative state so it has made it even worse, people here still believe that gays should be banned from taking care of kids or even having a job. The same people that put a "chick magnet" shirt on their kids or ask their kids if they have a boyfriend/girlfriend at a young age want gays to not be able to take care of kids. I don't get it. Anyway, every single time an lgbt character is in a movie or show, especially if it's Disney, the media treats it like it's some odd thing and publicize the hell out of it. They might mean well, but I still think it's damaging. I don't want to be treated as a freak because I like men, I just want to be treated like everyone else.. 5-19-2020

I got a call from my boss saying that we will be going back to work next week. I couldn't be happier, I can finally do something lol. I will still try to update the site but I will be more inactive I guess. I still have a lot I need to finish. Played Pokemon Channel for the first time in a long time, it bored me to death. Whole point of the game is to watch tv with pikachu and as a kid it was fun and I would play it for hours, but now it's tedious. I had a lot of patience as a kid to put up with that game. I rewatched all of that 70's show as well past few days and season 8 is still the worst. I mean, it kinda goes downhill when kelso becomes a cop and has a kid imo but oh my god season 8 is dreadful. They ruined Jackie and Hyde's relationship and I will never get over that. Still a great show but just lasted waaay too long. 5-15-2020

Haven't had much luck finding a place to volunteer at yet, I was kinda expecting that..Last night I made a strawberry pie because boredom, it turned out pretty good. c: Might make one for my bf and take it to his house..well put it on his doorstep and tell him I brought him one lol. I truly believe that sometimes I am a complete annoyance to people. I used to be terrible when it came to being very clingy to people and I just feel like I am always bugging my friends or even people on here. I guess that's one of the reasons I can be closed off. I remember one time I tried to talk about my problems to a former friend I had and all he did was call me a "doomer" and brighten up. Thanks for the help, buddy c: I try not to think so negatively about myself but it's pretty hard sometimes 5-11-2020

I have really been considering doing volunteer work somewhere lately since it will be a while until I can go back to work. I just want to do something productive and to get more experience in general. The options are pretty limited right now, unfortunately, but I will see what I can do until then. I have had so many unwanted thoughts popping up in my head for the past few days such as hating the way I turned out as a person and how much I disappointed the people that brought me here. They did their best to get me to be just like them; christian, gun loving, and "manly" but instead I turned into a somewhat-feminine guy that loves computers and music that they deemed "evil". They made me watch a few documentaries on how "evil" the music I was listening to really was and that it caused people to do violent things, but I still listened to it and believed that it was mental illness not the music. None of this stuff they did worked and I still turned out to be the polar opposite of the person they wanted me to be. If it wasn't for this, I would most likely not be drinking and have more confidence in myself. There are times that I wished I was straight, I just feel like being gay has done more bad than good. It destroyed my family. I wish I could get over this and just move on..I probably won't get over it, who knows. I am doing my best to actually get over it and not rely on alcohol or "gateway" drugs. My friends and even my bf have been concerned lately, hell my room mate even said that the circles under my eyes were more visible than usual. If this gets any worse, I am going to check myself in to a therapist somewhere around here..haven't been to one in a while. Anyway, I am sorry for this woe is me shit and hope anyone reading this is doing okay. 5-6-2020

Today (well I guess yesterday since it's almost 2 in the morning hehe) was pretty hetic. One of my friends called me bawling because her boyfriend broke up with her and blocked her on all social media sites she is on. I wanted to go over to her house, give her some comfort food, and give her a hug so badly but instead I was just on the phone with her for a couple of hours. She eventually calmed down but I just felt so bad for her and I wish I could of done more for her. I asked if she felt like playing an online game with me but she said she couldn't with how she was feeling. I apologized so much that I couldn't visit her and promised to hang out once this crazy shit is over but she might already be over it by the time I can see her..I am usually the person my friends go to when they have a problem or just need to get something off their chest. I mean, I love helping them and I care so much about them but sometimes it just emotionally wears me out. I don't always have an answer for their problems but I still try to help them as much as I can (╯︵╰,) Sometimes I feel like they can go to someone better. Someone that doesn't have to "recharge" so much. I have even asked them before if I really help them and they say I do but..I will always worry about this stuff. To top off the day, my roomate saw a rat in the living room and we had to trap it. God, those things are disgusting. I think I need to rest..i have dozed off several times writing this heh.. I have been thinking about how funny it is that have been listening to KMFDM a lot lately but not too long ago I was kinda ashamed of liking them to the point where I refused to wear any of my shirts in public and only wore them as pajama shirts. It had nothing to do with the band itself, it's the "fanbase". Oh my fucking god this "fanbase". I don't get pissed or annoyed with people easy, but this "fanbase" irritates me so, so much. I don't even think they actually like the band or only listened to "Godlike" once and called it a day. It was extremely annoying when I was trying out tumblr and 95% of the posts in the KMFDM tag was their stupid shit and 5% of the other posts were people calling them out telling them to fuck off. Hell, quite a bit of it wasn't even KMFDM related. I am still hopeful that these people will grow out of this but please, just stop embarrassing yourself like this. 5-4-2020

Just had a very emotional talk with grandma, apparently she had been trying to contact me for a long while but didn't know my number. She asked my parents, but of course they don't have it and their response was "I don't care where that faggot is at"..I wish she didn't tell me that, it really broke me. She was telling me that she has turned a new leaf and no longer has the mindset like the rest of my family. Both of us were crying a lot during the call, she kept saying how sorry she was and and that it was even hard for her to forgive herself and blamed herself for how my parents are. I told her that I would forgive her but that it was going to take a while and told her how much I have been affected by them and the rest of my family. I just really don't know how to feel about all of this, she called me out of nowhere and I hadn't talked to her in a few years. I am glad that she changed her ways but after being betrayed like that it is going to take a long while for me to forgive her. Hopefully things will be better eventually... God, I am so hungry and want pizza but all the pizza restaurants are closed. They should be open 24 hours tbh.. I am sick of cup noodles and hot pockets. Even McDonalds sounds good at this point. I checked to see if Rowdyruff.net was still up and it was! Brought back so many memories, I used to always go on there whenever i visited my grandparents since we didn't have internet at the time. Always had a coke or dr pepper with me while browsing the fanart and the cool pictures on that website.. they had dial up at the time so it took forever to load hehe..that dial up sound scare the shit out of me. I don't see how anyone could miss dial up internet tbh it was a pain in the ass. 5-2-2020

God I had the worst headache yesterday. Only time I get headaches are during hangovers but I woke up with this one and it was literally hell..I couldn't even function and had to rest the whole day while having a cold rag on my forehead. Tylenol didn't do shit..only thing that helped was when I eventually threw up because it was hurting so much. It still hurts a little and I still feel pretty bad from the whole thing. I dunno maybe I should stop crying so much before I go to bed haha.. I kinda miss dealing with assholes through the phone honestly. I thought I would never miss work but I would rather being doing something than staying at home all the time, even if it is something like that. I have had so many assholes call me and would immediatly start yelling at me after I asked how I could help them lol. One of them was even saying I should have been aborted..I did my best to not burst out laughing. Why are people so mean jesus christ calm down.