6-24-2020

Today was so..odd. I woke up this morning feeling sick to my stomach and only had a rice krispie treat for breakfast since I didn't think I could stomach anything down. Got to work, started to feel even worse..just so sick to my stomach and weak. Well when I got on lunch break, my vision started to turn black and I was losing hearing. I knew I was going to pass out so I put my head down on the table and heard a coworker say my name and kept saying "hey" "whats wrong" "are you ok". I didn't pass out surprisingly but I was very close to. The feeling took a while to go away though. When I got up, he told me how pale I looked and asked if I needed to take off work. I didn't since I felt like this happened because I barely ate anything all day. He gave me some water and I tried to eat but still felt nauseous. I felt like this the whole day and it didn't go away until maybe an hour until work was over. I am going to try to rest soon, I still feel pretty weak. I don't think I am sick but whatever it is, it ruined my day lol




6-22-2020

Therapy went ok today, thankfully I got a therapist that was very helpful. I still feel a bit drained and ever since the incident I have been isolating myself more than I should. I just feel ashamed about it and I can't get over it. Sometimes I do wonder how different things would be if I did do something and my mind always tells me that not much would change. Maybe it will be the same, maybe not.. I don't know and I don't want to find out.

My pika car sticker came today! It is so adorable!! Now I am just waiting on my KMFDM and Purin stickers to arrive, might get a nine inch nails one too to put next to the KMFDM one. Will be uploading pics of the car and some stuff I own like my old pokemon gameboy color and some of the games I found. Oh yeah, I got Mew and Groudon on mystery dungeon. I want to get all the legendaries still as I couldn't as a kid since my sister deleted my save file when I was trying to get them all back in the day and I didn't want to do all of that over lol.

Woke up this morning with my screwdriver spilled everywhere and school rumble still playing on the tv. God I am pathetic lol




6-18-2020

Got some more legendaries on my team today, this time being latios, latias and the regis. Buried relic is a huge pain in the ass still, those traps can go fuck themselves. The stupid apple trap turned the only escape orb I had into an apple so I was stuck for around 50 floors until I eventually died. I really hate the dungeons that are 99 floors tbh.

I realized today how much I really, really hate politcal ads. My roomate was watching tv and this ad for this one dude running for congress showed up around 10 times. Honestly the most annoying shit I have seen in a while and since I live in the TN it was for a someone who stands by trump. The whole commercial was trying to be "funny" and spouted how "polical correctness was cancer" because he is a doctor I guess. I dunno, the whole exucution of it was just awful and tacky. Plus, they didn't give a good reason to vote for him. I guess that's one of the reasons I have stopped watching tv was to avoid crap like this.

I mentioned earlier that you could get fired where I live for being gay. Well good news, they changed that and of course I have heard people here talk shit about it. No joke, I heard a woman say how the lgbt "will have more rights than us" because we can't get fired anymore. Another one saying how people are treating "sexuality like a race", I wish I was making this stuff up but this is the kind of stuff you hear around here. I don't get how people can think like this tbh

I need to get into more music tbh, I listen to mostly the same shit like KMFDM, ATR, NIN, Prodigy, and Chemical Brothers. I have been listening to a lot of trip hop still but I want to expand my horizons when it comes to music. I guess I listen to them so much because I have been listening to them since I was 12-13..well with prodigy since I was 9 and those bands have helped me growing up. Sounds cliche but it's true..I have changed a lot as a person but I can't help but love the bands I liked as a preteen/teen. I am doing my best to discover more music though, maybe someone can give me a recommendation hehe. Speaking of music, I heard that KMFDM is coming out with a new album and I am hyped. While KMFDM has been kinda mixed over the past couple of years, their last album was pretty solid imo. I really liked Oh My Goth, No Regret, and Paradise a lot. Let's hope this new one will be great too!

Oh yeah, I have been working on my Jirachi Shrine and sketching the final designs for my tamagotchi page. The way it is now is pretty much like a beta version of it lol




 I am doing bit better today but still feeling mentally exhausted. I played a little bit of Pokemon Mystery Dungeon DX after work and was able to get the legendary birds on my team finally..I am so glad they got rid of the gimmick of needing an HM in your inventory or having a pokemon know a certain move to even get to some of the dungeons, that bullshit was dumb as hell and pissed me off as a kid. While I was at work, a coworker had somehow heard about the whole thing and asked me if I was okay and that I looked "tired"..I guess one of my friends told them. I never could sleep well, hell as a kid (around 4 or 5) I told people that I didn't know how to sleep, but lately it's been getting worse. I have still been struggling with sleep paralysis and I just stopped on the lucid dreaming for now, I just want actual rest. I don't see how people can go to sleep like 5 minutes after they get in bed..I toss and turn for like an hour or two then maybe doze off some. I don't know what it is but I wish it would stop.

I start therapy in a few days to sort out whatever has been going on with me lately, I really hope it turns out well. Since I live in TN, there are a lot of extreme christian therapist and I just honestly..don't want one. I know this sounds awful but I have just had so many bad experiences with hardcore christians growing up (my family being the main ones). I don't have a problem with a lot of them though because a few of my good friends are christians and have been nothing but amazing towards me. It's just the really radical ones I have a huge problem with..the ones that have such a negative outlook on people that are different from them. I just don't see how anyone could live like that tbh. Anyway, I hope my therapy sessions go well.

My friend wanted me to borrow a star wars game from him because he really wants me to play it and apparently it's amazing..Well, I can't because I am already so behind on games. I still need to play Doom Enternal and finish Nier, Pokemon Mystery Dungeon DX, the Fate visual novels, Kill La Kill IF, and soon the Sword and Shield expansion packs. I am very behind on games in general and I honestly haven't cared for star wars in a while. The original battlefront games, the first lego star wars and that podracing game were really the only ones I played growing up and they were some of my favorite games but I dunno..I have just lost interest in star wars especially since Disney bought it. Maybe I will give it a try one day I dunno..




 6-15-2020

TW : Mentions of suicide attempts



I had a pretty bad breakdown last night and I am currently recovering from it. I couldn't stop crying, spouting out nonsense and almost attemped to "end it" until my roomate stopped me. I can't even function like a normal person, I am embarassed and ashamed of myself. I am going to check myself into some therapy this week. Growing up I thought my problems would go away as I got older but they really dont. I am sorry that I am such a failure of a human.

My sister just called me bawling because she had heard what happened to me and was worried about me..I feel awful. Even my friends and bf had called me throughout the day as well asking how I was. I hate that I have worried so many people with my breakdown last night. I feel like I can't show my face around them for a while. I had been thinking about what caused this and I really don't know. I think I need a healing day sometime this week just to sort everything out.




6-12-2020

It's currently 1:40 am and I can't get the song "Katy Song" out of my head. It is honestly one of the most depressing songs I have heard in a while and that is saying something. The whole song is amazing but it's the second half of the song that is really getting me. I haven't had a song made me feel this way since the still version of the fragile. So many memories, good and bad, are popping up in my head and I can't stop weeping. Good ones being missing some of the old friends I had and being a carefree kid and bad ones being some of the breaking points I have had growing up. It's crazy what music can do to your mind sometimes..

Once this covid stuff dies down, I am finally moving in with my bf. I barely get to see him anymore and I want to see him everyday..we had already planned on me moving in with him but covid ruined it. It will probably be another few months but I am so excited. Only downside would be that it will take longer to get to work but I think it's worth it. I love him so much... <3




6-9-2020

Finally got to eat with a friend after work, we went to a local restraunt and talked for at least an hour (and occasionally check pokemon go for pokemon hehe). She was telling me how she had been doing a lot better after her breakup from not too long ago and that she missed me a lot. We also talked about how our work was and that we wished we could see each other more often. I tried a signature drink they had which was a mix of Deep Eddy's Lemon Vodka, strawberries and sprite. It was good but they put way too many strawberries in there..I almost choked on one of them. Anyway, today was a good day and I am happy to finally see a close friend of mine that I haven't seen in a while.




6-8-2020

Soo I ordered some new stickers for my car!



I am not going to use all of the KMFDM ones, just the symbols one. I will save the others for later. So if you are out on the road and see these stickers on their car than it will 98% be me lol. I wanted some stickers for my car for a while but I wasn't sure which ones to get and I didn't want to get too many. Anyway, I can't wait to put these on my car, I will take some pics too just incase someone wants to see it!

I have been getting back into visual novels again, I wish I never got out of them tbh. I am currently starting "Fate/stay night: Unlimited Blade Works". I finished "Fate/stay night" not too long ago and I liked it. There are a lot of them I want to read like Steins;Gate and VA-11 Hall-A but I don't have a lot of time to.. Maybe someday I will..




 6-6-2020

I was talking to a friend today about how much I regret some of the stuff I had done years ago and even recently and they told me something that stuck with me. She said, "You are not the same person you are today than you were yesterday. We change everyday." It might sound cheesy but it's true. We are constantly changing and maturing, including me. We have all done things we regret and at times it can be hard to not feel bad about it or cringe when thinking about it. I have been trying not to let the past bother me too much because nothing can be done about it and it has already happened..there's just a lot that I wish I could change or have done different. Best thing to do is to learn from past mistakes and better yourself as a person and that's what I have been trying to do.

I have been thinking about my childhood again and I kinda realized how strange I was. Like I would only eat jelly on bread because Spongebob did it in one episode for a few seconds (ep was Jellyfish Jam I think), I used to dance by spinning around and staring at the ceiling, I had a weird obsession with mice and even dressed up as one for halloween AND had one as a pet before my parents released it, made "movies" with powerpoint, I would carry VHS boxes around with me all the time, and I collected rocks from the playground to make a "pichu statue". There was a lot more weird stuff I did but I can't really think of all of it atm lol. At least I was good at computers at that age..

I have a tendency to delete all the statuses about the updates on my website because I feel like it bothers everyone and clogs up their timeline. I will try to stop doing that




6-4-2020

I saw that vipboss had deleted their website..makes me sad because I really liked their website. But as long as they are okay, that's all that matters! Anyway, nothing much has happened today. I got to work some more on my website and got a cute id card made by nightmare fantasmic! Thank you so much! I like how the website is turning out so far, I have made over 3,000 updates on it lawd. I added an "under construction" tab on my main page to show which pages need to be worked on and to add the side bar to. I need to start writing in my dream journal online too but I am lazy lol. I really hope that neocities doesn't die because I honestly love it here a lot. I have met so many nice people on neocities that have helped me with my own website. I am going to stay on here as much as I can and continue to improve my website!

Oh yeah, it's pride month this month isn't it. I am very happy for the people that can be proud for who they are and they should be. I wouldn't say I am prideful of who I am, on the otherhand. I just..kinda accepted it. I came to terms with being gay and all that but I still feel like it has ruined a lot for me and I really, really wish I didn't feel this way. I try my best to be proud of who I am but I just..can't tbh. I never thought highly of myself..

A friend of mine told me that people on twitter are furious at Wendy's because the franchise had donated money to Trump's campaign. I can see why people are mad..it really doesn't affect me much because I never cared for Wendy's anyway. What I don't understand are the people saying "looks like I will be eating at wendy's now" all because of this. I thought you ate at a restraunt because you like the food not because of the company donating to Trump..hmm. Idk I never understood why people did that.




6-3-2020

TW : Mentions of homophobia and racism done by family member



I have heard something today that honestly angered me a lot. My sister had showed me that one of my cousins that commented on facebook (yes, people still use that for some reason) on one of my sisters friend's post that blacks are more likely to cause crimes than whites and pulled up some bullshit statistic from a ".com" site and I just lost my shit. How can people still be like this?? Oh, and he got upset that he was called a "white privileged male". It's because you are, dude. I don't like using that term for anyone, but you are literally the embodiment of it. You never had to go through anything. You never had to worry about people judging you for your orientation, you are on welfare because you have a kid by "accident" and don't have a job to take care of the kid (and they are having another one might I add), your house and cars are paid off by your parents, and you don't have to walk down the street in fear because of what has happened lately. Don't give me that shit, you have no idea what you are talking about. Well, you are for Trump so I guess that explains everything.

Oh, and you don't have to worry about being fired from your job when you get one for being gay because yes..you can where I live. He was also talking about how it should be illegal for gay people to take care of a kid. Uh, ok but you literally never take care of your own kid. You always leave her off to someone else so you can "sleep in and relax" at home and do nothing. You are lucky that you have people that can help you with it or else you would HAVE to do everything yourself. Those gay parents are much better parents than you will ever be and your child doesn't deserve to have parents like you. You are surrounding your kid with hate and I really feel like they are going to neglect this poor kid, even worse is that the mother is smoking which I really don't think you should be doing in front of your kid and when you are pregnant with another one! Anyway, please grow up and actually be a decent human being.




6-2-2020

I currently have 62 followers as I am writing this and I am so happy about it! I never thought I would get this many and it makes me happy to see that people enjoy my website. Thank you all!! <3

I have been thinking about trust issues lately. I have bad trust issues because people I thought I could trust ended up betraying me and people giving me shit pretty much my whole life. Hell, it's hard for me to tell people how I am feeling and I just think it's better to keep it to myself. After all this though, I still don't want to "get revenge" on people. That makes things even worse..and I can understand why they do this. I can be a nuisance and these people have better things to worry about than me. It takes a while to really get to know me and to become close.. I really wish it wasn't this way. Even as an adult, I still have a lot of emotional problems.

Someone that I follow on Last.fm commented on my page that the test pressing for KMFDM's unreleased album, APART, was uploaded onto youtube. It was really neat listening to that. Loved the version of "Split" on there and I wish it was officially released. While Money, the album that replaced this one, is my favorite KMFDM album I still wish this one was officially released too. Thank you for sharing with me, Last.fm user!! ^^